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What is Deloitte?
A place where you are not family, nor do you want to be.
A place where 40 fresh faced college interns joyously start on the same date for a new program, envisioned by a Senior Manager who cares about them and treats them well and makes them happy and the program is a success and saves the company hundreds of thousands of dollars. Where the Senior Manager subsequently gets fired a year later who knows what, but rumors abound that he was a target because he spent too much on outings that kept his employees happy and retained.
A place where all but 7 out of those 40 interns have quit 4 years after being hired (three years after the Senior Manager was fired).
A place where you work from 9am till 3am or 5am seven days a week, for two months, because you’ve been selected to run an engagement where you have absolutely no experience in that industry, and get no help from the Manager. He was supposed to be there at 7:30 – his first time there in 2 months – but calls you at 9:30, from bed, mentions that he has to drop off his laundry and maybe get his car serviced, depending on the line. Not to mention that the reason you’re working so much is because the Manager deleted the prior year’s work-papers’ diskettes because they were sitting in a box on his desk and he thought they were junk. Yes, I’m talking about you, first initial of C. Your reward for all that hard work? A “Why did it take so long??” lecture from the partner.
A place so full of pompous jerks that a Second Year’s opinion on how to get the engagement done quickly is completely ignored. To top it off, the Second Year person is neither congratulated nor recognized when their method gets the job done 3 times faster than either of the two Seniors’ and the Manager’s method.
A place where the Senior tells you to ABC, and when the Manager reprimands you for it and demands to know why you did ABC, the Senior, standing two feet away, does not speak up and admit it was his instructions.
A place where people who make a measly 50K a year act like they descend from Sultan Blue Blood Royalty and you, as a first year, should worship the dog poop on their leather Gucci shoes that are going to take them three years to pay off because they only make the aforementioned 50K a year. Of course, they have $100,000 in college loans, $30,000 in credit card bills, and live in the city with 3 roommates in a two bedroom walkup, but they are the bomb in their own minds.
A place where you switch departments for a temporary two month stint under the promise of learning new & exciting things, where your reputation for excellence and devotion will guarantee you respect and advancement. And instead you are put to photocopying and filing for 5 months.
A place so full of snotty snobs, where someone you sit next to everyday prefers to turn their head rather than say hello to you as you pass them in the hallway, because you are a first year, and they are a Senior, and think they are hot, even tho they are butt-ugly and freakish looking, and therefore you are not worthy of a “Hello”.
A place where your Senior tells you that you are too happy, and too nice to people, and that it annoys them. Then the client subsequently brings over a box of cupcakes and hands it to you personally, and when you open it and there is only one cupcake inside, the Senior doesn’t even rethink their feelings about you and how good you may actually be at client relations.
A place where even tho the entire business world has been using excel for years, your particular hell of a department is still using DOS Lotus. When they finally do switch over to a Windows program, they choose Lotus for Windows. And your opinion, as a lowly intern, that Excel would be a better choice, is quickly and rudely brushed aside.
Susan: "So, where do you work?" John: "In hell. Um, I mean at Deloitte."
Joe: "I was in Vietnam." John: "SO WHAT?? I worked for Deloitte!"
Deloitte - meme gif
Deloitte - video
Deloitte - what is it?
a black hole, time warp, and nightmare you don't know you are in until you leave when you realize what a waste of time those 3 years at Deloitte were and you'll want those 3 years of your life back.
Similar to what I imagine of doing time in jail or being a P.O.W. You survive your years art Deloitte and get by, then when you wake up and realize you are dumb for putting up with these shitheads, you'll wish you could have those 3 years back....BUT you can't that time in your life is gone forever. You'll never get those years back!!! You work and work trying to please the partners who are about 40-50 years of age but look 70 from all the years of working for assholes, and you would have learned more and gotten further in your career had you gone with that startup a few years back.
What does "Deloitte" mean?
The last form of slavery in the US. This is where many young people begin careers and work 115 hours a week until they either quit or die from exhaustion. Former Deloitte employees often have scarred backs from the whip marks.
Dave has no social life because he works at Deloitte.
Deloitte - what does it mean?
A construct of high-dollar sales tactics promising advanced technologies delivered at break-neck speeds on platforms they know nothing about, relying mostly on guess work and consultants of consultants.
I've never written any code in C#. No matter... i'll Deloitte it.
Deloitte - meaning
a shortend way of saying toilet and douche
I don't know why but everytime I hear Deloitte and Touche I thik Toilet and Douche. And by the way, is that a bloody turd in the toilet?
Deloitte - definition
1) A workplace that appears desirable from outside the doors, but the reality of torture sets in once the HONEYMOON phase wears off (approximately 1-2 months).
2) A workplace where people a lot less intelligent and a lot more arrogant make decisions that affect your day-to-day.
3) A thankless job. Regardless of gender, employees are essentially overworked prostitutes. The John, being the client, receives services, and the Pimp, Deloitte, slaps said prostitute and tells prostitute to start working on the next John in the line. Most of the time it's a circle jerk.
4) A workplace where people you start with soon fade away like they never existed, and you sit at your CUBE, disgruntled at how your networking and alliance relationships go down the TOILET.
5) A workplace where the good people leave, and the rotten stay.
6) A workplace that motivates you to find another job after two busy seasons MAXIMUM, unless you are into S&M.
7) A workplace that is good for slackers who b.s. all day, while the people who actually give a damn about the final product, grind away at their desks.
8) A workplace where meritocracy does not exist.
9) A workplace where apathy will always have a home.
Amy: I'm sorry you lost your husband, Martha.
Martha: Thanks, Amy. He's in a better place. I'm sorry too for your husband, Clarke, who is being eviscerated as we speak. He's at Deloitte, right?
Yo, I ain't kidding, son. You be a Deloitte. (fighting words)
I curse you to Deloitte. (a place worse than hell)
Deloitte you! (worse than the F bomb)
Deloitte - slang
A verb describing metaphorical anal rape.
It is derived from the common practices of partners at Deloitte & Touche LLP.
Partners at this firm expect their staff to 'take it up the arse' and work like dogs, whilst being grateful for this privilege.
He was deloitted so bad he couldn't walk for days..
Deloitte
A company that has taken the pimps and hoes business model to the corporate world. The directors and partners are the pimps at the highest echelons of the Deloitte hierarchy, followed in order of descending worth by Associate Directors, Senior Managers, Managers, Assistant Managers, Senior Consultants, Consultants and jnr. consultants. There are so many levels in this place that one would think they enlisted in the army - not surprisingly, its not too different from the army. When you join Deloitte you give up your identity as an individual and become a Deloittan - its not too dissimilar from being assimilated by the Borg. If you prefer to follow in rank and file then you will love Deloitte. If you aren't a complete tool when you join Deloitte, you will be as soon as you have spent a few months there.
Deloitte Culture
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Prides itself in a culture known as the "Deloitte Way" where you can get your friends and minions to vote for you and be recognized as a top 10 representative of the Deloitte Way values which include lying, cheating, manipulating your way to the top of the food chain. Employees at junior levels get treated like garbage. Being such a rank based organization, your title dictates your status at the company and hence everyone is always fighting and willing to stab each other in the back to get to the top. Pretty much everyone at the very senior levels of this organization are flaming douche bags with no integrity.
Deloitte Hierarchy and worth
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Partner: Top Dog
Directors: Kings and Queens
Associate Directors: Almost there
Senior Manager: Important
Manager: Almost Important
Assistant Manager: Competent but disposable
Senior Consultant: Senior pleb
Consultant: pleb
Jnr. Consultant: Apprentice pleb
Getting promoted at Deloitte
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If you aren't well versed in the art of brown nosing then you can all but forget about being promoted here.
How to succeed at Deloitte
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- Learn to kiss ass
- Give up your individuality, give up your own values and assimilate the Deloitte identity - you must become a Deloittan
- be aggressive, yes, you heard right be aggressive and take what you want
- Develop strong alliances with the cliques and groups in power quickly
- Don't trust anyone
- Be sneaky
- Leave your morals at the door
- Lie, manipulate, cheat...do whatever you have to to get ahead.
- Develop good relationships with your Development Facilitator(Coach) - they hold the keys to your future.
Deloitte
"Deloitte" comes from the Greek denomination of "De" and "Loitte". "De" translates directly to "miserable", with "Loitte" translating to "pathetic human being." Formerly known as Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu, the name was shortened to just "Deloitte" after it was discovered that "Touche" was a 3rd grade version of the word ass, and Tohmatsu was too difficult to say.
Members of the Deloitte firm are easy to spot. During the months of January through March, in preparation for hibernation, Deloitters typically put on between 5 and 65 pounds. Additionally, staffers can be seen aging as if they drank from the wrong Holy Grail during this period. The only members of Deloitte who seem to stay a consistent age are the partners, mostly because they drink and bath in the youth and souls of staff members.
Deloitte is also a microcasm for the problems of American society. The wealth gap is clearly seen in Deloitte, with partners driving Porsche's, and staffers riding their new Dyno freestyle BMX's in January. In addition, Deloitte partners have new HP Tablet laptops, with staffers performing audit work on Abacuses.
Deloitte staffers can typically describe their lives with the following tickmark: "I traced and agreed my weight gain to the scale in my bathroom without exception. D&T noted that 15 pounds was immaterial to performing audit work. Per discussion with my roommates, I noted that they no longer recognized me. Per further inquiry, they now refer to me as either 'The guy that sleeps in the other room', or 'The vaguely familiar friend'. D&T assessed this explanation from my roommates as acceptable. I footed the number of outstanding bills received from the mail, and noted that it tied without exception to the amount that the bill collector said I owed. I re-calculated my credit score, and noted that the score of 4 was appropriate. D&T passed on further investigation."
Deloitte has become a new plane of existence.
Deloitte
Do you want to get rid of all your pesky friends and/or potential suitors... then this is the job for you! Surely at some point in your life, you've thought to yourself "How can I eliminate the burden of having to hang out with my friends and/or annoying boyfriend/girlfriend"... The answer is simple work an average of 80 hours per week, usually out of town. Don't worry... those pesky friends will forget you exist in no time and your annoying boyfriend/girlfriend will as well. The upside to losing all of your real friends is that you have time (no less than 80 hours per week usually) to make new friends with all the other lonely people you work with. Your particularly lonely managers who have been using this strategy for 5+ years will always invite you to lunch or dinner on Friday night, Satuday and Sunday... o.k. invite might not be the right word... Now your thinking... that could probably make me single and alone, but how can I ensure that I will stay that way... The answer... you will become much less attractive. Under-eye baggage, the type of tan you can only get from spending months surrounded by the soft glow of a laptop monitor, an additional 15-40 lbs right around the middle, and that overall "I haven't slept in a week" look are generally part of the normal benefits package... if they don't offer it to you during your recruiting, rest assured that it is included.
My last manager before Deloitte: Jessica Alba
My last manager after 5 years with Deloitte- Smeagol