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What is festive faeces?
The art and science of defecating on another's doorstep on Christmas Day. Several sources credit the first use of the word to the urban legend Leeds Dr Rudeboy.
Effective management of such an undertaking involves a four-fold course of action, namely;
1. Visiting the local drinking establishment, followed by local nightclub, on Christmas Eve and early hours of Christmas Day. At some point during the evening, it would be rude to not visit Wetherspoons. Consumption of copious amounts of alcohol then proceeds throughout the evening.
2. Reconnaissance of a likely target whilst walking home, namely, houses in locations where the local cuntstabulary are unlikely to be driving past.
3. The said act of elimination onto the doorstep. Should the perpetrator be a Scouser*, then breaking and entering is, of course, the next natural course of action for the erstwhile Liverpudlian.
4. Wiping one rusty ringpiece with the fresh snow. Caution is advised for those presenting with haemorrhoids.
*The erstwhile Scouser may wish to declare any profits from the said breaking and entering on the next occasion he/she signs on within the following fortnight at the local Jobcentre Plus.
1st person: Well, that fine selection of of Cliff Richard records certainly has put me in the mood for the Queen's Speech tomorrow! Shall we retire early and let St Nicholas pay his visit?
Rudeboy: What whoa! Ya dumbclaat! I and I is gonna do a festive faeces on dem doorsteps!