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What is old red?
A magical, mystical, shape transforming being who has lived since the earth was created. He supervised the building of the pyramids. He was originally the lead guitarist for Gunses and Roses and gave them their start. He passed on and was reborn in the form of a pharmacist in Waco, Texas. There he created Dr. Pepper. Every day, wether you know it or not, Old Red is making the world run the way it does. Every day, every person who knows about Old Red can call upon Old Red and ask him for an Old Red miracle. He listens to 80% of the requests 90% of the time. Old Red is currently lying low in the form of my friend's dog. Once he dies, Old Red will find a new body to control. He is always present! Whenever something good happens, you fuckin thank Old Red...
Guy 1: Oh shit, looks like it's gonna rain...
Guy 2: You can't mow the lawn when it's raining...fuck
Guy 1: I know, I'll ask Old Red for an Old Red miracle so it doesn't rain...
Guy 2: nice...
(later on)
Guy 2: Dude it didn't rain!
Guy 1: I got the lawn mowed! Thank you Old Red!