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What is Columbia, South Carolina?
The trashiest Capitol "city" (more like an expansive, trashy town) in the United States of America. Home to almost as many homeless drunks as streetlights, this "gem" of the "south" houses an ever-increasing number of ghetto, uneducated, section-8-milking morons. While the "city" does have a (very) few nice neighborhoods, the majority is crap. Most people seem to be more concerned with how their car looks or sounds than the fact that they serve chicken over a counter for a living while attempting to support their many, many offspring. The laziness of the people is demonstrated by the endless tax services willing to rip people off of their tax returns, because they're either too lazy or legitimately too slow to comprehend how to file their own taxes. Cashiers are unable to split $10 cash-back into smaller bills without precise direction because they simply cannot do that math. Columbia embodies the fact that South Carolina has the worst public school system in the country. Any "southern drawl" is just a lazy term for how unbelievably lazy the people are. Any sort of customer service will make you want to burn the company to the ground, and if you can understand half of the dialecting that the majority of the population adapts, you'll be lucky that you were able to get directions from someone to the person that can point you to the person that might know where the manager of the Walmart that you're standing in is, so that they can point you towards the item you're looking for.
Steve: Why don't any big events or tours stop in Columbia, South Carolina?
Brian: I don't think they want to be endlessly depressed by the people and the state of the city.
or
Steve: Oh no, I have to travel to Columbia, South Carolina for work.
Brian: Make sure you take your little brother's beat up car, and make sure you lock it. If you do both of those, there's a chance that someone actually won't break into the car and steal your seats.